


Bureaucracy

by deird1



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Correspondence, Gen, season: b4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-21
Updated: 2009-11-21
Packaged: 2017-10-03 13:10:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deird1/pseuds/deird1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a vengeance demon isn't always easy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bureaucracy

**Bureaucracy**

* * *

**Wish #287a-15c912-337**

Date: 10/15/99  
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA  
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA

Transcription: "He's just… oh, I can't believe that _bastard_. How could he _do_ that to me? You know what - he doesn't deserve her. He doesn't deserve _anyone_. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he'd never even get to _touch_ a girl, ever again! It'd serve him right."

Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman

WISH GRANTED, AND FILED CORRECTLY

  
Personal Notes: Miss Philman was initially mistrusting, and was persuaded into friendship by the offer of cupcakes and a mix cd. (NB - assumed the guise of a college student) Should she be a recurring client, I would advise future wish granters to adopt a similar strategy.

Filed by: Valesh the Avenged

* * *

**And, at Hellmouth Central…**  
17 _stellar_ acts of vengeance this week. Notably, a maggot infestation plaguing Tom Walker (courtesy of Grellmesya the Eternal), a five-man beheading at the Sunnydale Retirement Home (excellent work by Bloody Bertha), and Parker Abrams being prevented from ever again knowing the touch of a woman (way to go, Valesh the Avenged!).

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Valesh the Avenged  
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

Saw in the newsletter about your latest wish. Great job!

Unfortunately, it looks like you forgot to check the files. Your client's wish that Parker Abrams never know the touch of another woman goes against a wish I granted that states that Parker Abrams would get laid at least once a week for his entire college career.

I guess you'll have to reverse yours.

See you later! :)

\- Trekknor

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain  
From: Valesh the Avenged

Trekknor -

Thanks for the heads up.

However, as it happens, I _did_ check the files. There aren't any instances of Parker Abrams being granted a wish, or (amazingly) being wished _against_.

Getting confused, are we? :)

\- Valesh

* * *

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa  
cc: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: wish064p-39b426-122**

(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)

Attached is a copy of the file for **Wish #064p-39b426-122**, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.

Regards,  
the Files and Records Department.

document attached: 064p39b426122.doc

* * *

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: FW:wish064p-39b426-122**

I don't read mail from subordinates, asshole.

Regards,  
**Valesh the Avenged**  
Active Vengeance Branch C  
floor 6

  
&gt;&gt;(forwarded at the request of Trekknor, Lord of Pain)

&gt;&gt;Attached is a copy of the file for **Wish #064p-39b426-122**, concerning a wish from Miss Katie Locke against Mr Jason Abrams.

&gt;&gt;Regards,  
&gt;&gt;the Files and Records Department.

* * *

Valesh the Avenged  
Active Vengeance Branch C  
Justice and Latent Malice Inc

Dear Ms Avenged,

We have been contacted regarding a wish made by one of your clients, that directly contradicts an earlier wish filed in your department.

Having perused the document in question, we have determined that your client's wish that Mr Parker Abrams never again know the touch of a woman will indeed prevent Trekknor, Lord of Pain, from fulfilling his client's wish that Mr Parker Abrams receive more opportunities for sexual activity than Mr Jason Abrams did.

The exact text of this wish is included here for your reference:  
_a) that Mr J Abrams' "belt notches" be surpassed by his younger brother, Mr P Abrams;  
b) that Mr P Abrams get laid at least once a week for his four years of college;  
c) that Mr P Abrams boast about these circumstances whenever he is in the company of Mr J Abrams;  
d) that Mr J Abrams never forget that he gave up a chance at true love to "get more pussy"._

We understand that your client's wish was filed while you were still in ignorance of this, but must inform you that, regardless, the wish made by Trekknor, Lord of Pain's client still has prior claim.

Please take appropriate action.

Sincerely,  
**Lloyd Miller**  
Wolfram &amp; Hart  
Los Angeles Branch

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain  
From: Valesh the Avenged

Thanks a lot, idiot.

What exactly do you expect me to do now?

\- Valesh

PS - That has got to be the _lamest_ vengeance wish ever.

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Valesh the Avenged  
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

I'd expect you to reverse it, obviously.

\- Trekknor

PS - Never knowing the touch of a woman? _So_ original.

* * *

**REQUISITION ORDER:** request number 5698751381801

-200 pounds of uncooked entrails, unsliced  
-90 pounds of troll faeces  
-15 still-beating hearts  
-1 red-hot poker

To be delivered to room 729, floor 5, and arranged as per the attached diagram.

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Valesh the Avenged  
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

Nice try, Val.  
But, like it or not, my wish has priority.

Reverse it. And grow the hell up.

\- Trekknor

* * *

**REQUISITION ORDER:** request number 9716087344920

-50 gallons of ethanol  
-1 box of matches

To be delivered to room 729, floor 5.

(NB - using these in the obvious manner when you reach the room in question will ensure a _big_ tip from me)

* * *

**WHILE YOU WERE OUT**

  
_Trekknor, Lord of Pain_ rang, on a _business-related_ matter.

Contents of message: _several death threats, very loud, mostly incoherent_

Please:  
~~return the call at the earliest opportunity  
arrange a meeting~~  
**email your reply**  
~~disregard  
destroy all records immediately, and disavow knowledge  
other ( ________________________ )~~

* * *

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: I could keep this up all day**

Trekknor -

Give in? Because I'm not reversing the best wish I got all month.

Regards,  
**Valesh the Avenged**  
Active Vengeance Branch C  
floor 6

* * *

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: so could I**

Valesh -

How about a compromise?

Regards,  
**Trekknor, Lord of Pain**  
Vengeance Demon  
Active Vengeance Branch F  
"Putting the laughter back into slaughter."

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Lady Mertroxa of deathly night  
From: Valesh the Avenged

Mertie -

A friend on the fifth floor needs some serious renovations done on his office, owing to an accidental fire.  
Think you can bury the costs in the paperwork?

Thanks, honey!

\- Vale

* * *

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: loophole?**

Trekknor -

Your client's wish was for Parker Abrams to get laid while he's still in college, right?

How about if we make him drop out?

Regards,  
**Valesh the Avenged**  
Active Vengeance Branch C  
floor 6

* * *

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: RE:loophole?**

Valesh -

No luck. Check the wording - it specifies _four years_ of college.

Any other ideas?

Regards,  
**Trekknor, Lord of Pain**  
Vengeance Demon  
Active Vengeance Branch F  
"Putting the laughter back into slaughter."

* * *

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: RE:loophole?**

Trekknor -

What if we took "belt notches" literally?

Regards,  
**Valesh the Avenged**  
Active Vengeance Branch C  
floor 6

* * *

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: RE:loophole?**

Valesh -

What if "touch of a woman" was more specific?  
Say - touch of a woman's _hands_…

Regards,  
**Trekknor, Lord of Pain**  
Vengeance Demon  
Active Vengeance Branch F  
"Putting the laughter back into slaughter."

* * *

to: lordofpain@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: RE:loophole?**

Kinky. But no.

Regards,  
**Valesh the Avenged**  
Active Vengeance Branch C  
floor 6

* * *

to: valesh_avenged@justice.subnet.usa  
**subject: sorry, but…**

Valesh -

Talked this over with some colleagues. They can't see any way around it. You're going to have to take your wish back after all.

Regards,  
**Trekknor, Lord of Pain**  
Vengeance Demon  
Active Vengeance Branch F  
"Putting the laughter back into slaughter."

* * *

**INVOICE - REPAIRS TO OFFICE**

  
**To:** Trekknor, Lord of Pain (Active Vengeance Branch F, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)  
**Invoice prepared by:** Lady Mertroxa of deathly night (Supplies and Withholdings, Justice and Latent Malice Inc)

**Itemized Costing:**  
$535,000 (structural repairs)  
$73,000 (replastering, repainting)  
$109,000 (replacement of interior furnishings)  
$321,000 (general fee for being a bastard)  
**$1,038,000 IN TOTAL**

To be paid before the end of this month.

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Valesh the Avenged  
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

What if we _modified_ your client's wish?

\- Trekknor

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain  
From: Valesh the Avenged

How, exactly?

\- Valesh

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Valesh the Avenged  
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

Make it an either-or.

\- Trekknor

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain  
From: Valesh the Avenged

Slightly confused about where you're going…

\- Valesh

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Valesh the Avenged  
From: Trekknor, Lord of Pain

"never again know the touch of a woman, _or_…" (insert requisite horrible happening)

So he'd still be getting regular action, as per my client's request, but dire consequences would result. Forever.

\- Trekknor

* * *

Internal Memo

  
To: Trekknor, Lord of Pain  
From: Valesh the Avenged

I like it.

\- Valesh

* * *

**Wish #287a-15c912-337**

Date: 10/15/99  
Wisher: Miss Serena Philman, Sunnydale CA  
Target of Wish: Mr Parker Abrams, Sunnydale CA

Transcription: "He's just… oh, I can't believe that _bastard_. How could he _do_ that to me? You know what - he doesn't deserve her. He doesn't deserve _anyone_. And he thinks he can get away with… He should just… just never date again. In fact, I wish he'd never even get to _touch_ a girl, ever again, without getting _exactly_ what he deserves for it! It'd serve him right."

Summary of Wish: that Mr Abrams will never again know the touch of a woman without something terrible happening in consequence

WISH GRANTED, AND FILED CORRECTLY

  
Personal Notes: (re-filed to correct an initial spelling mistake, 11/18/99)

Filed by: Valesh the Avenged

* * *

**Date:** November 20, 1999  
**Patient:** Abrams, Parker  
**Age:** 20  
**Reason for admission:** concussive head injury (multiple), smoke inhalation


End file.
